I haven’t written a gratitude post in a while, and there are a lot of reasons as to why that is that I myself am just now coming to terms with. The thing is, the reason I started this blog was because I read someone else’s blog and I wanted the life they had, or at least the life they had written about. I thought this blog would help me get that somehow, in some way. I thought if one person in particular read it, they would come back, and it would make me feel less alone. I was seeking attention. It was creepy, weird, borderline, and looking back, I can’t believe I let myself get to that point.
I’ve slowly but surely been learning a lot about myself. I’ve learned in particular that I copy other people I admire, whether it be Rachel Berry from Glee, my high school idol with the word “picski” and my first choice college of Fairleigh Dickinson, my older cousin when I dyed my hair blonde in middle school, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap when she cuts her bangs, or someone I’ve never even met. Why does that seem to be a common thread in my life? Well, if you had asked me a year-ish ago, I don’t know if I would have had an answer. But I think now I just might.
I think part of it stems from me being someone who, when I like something, I really, really like it. It’s part of what has driven my musical-theatre obsession and whatnot. I’m a pretty passionate person. That’s both a blessing and curse. I’m someone who gets hooked on a musical one day, and continues to listen to/research that musical for the entirety of the month. I have a hard time letting go and moving on, too. I fixate on things I have no control over, hating the fact that I can’t control everything I want. Remember the title of my last blog, “Come What May”? Aside from being a song from one of my favorite movie musicals, Moulin Rouge, I only named it that because it was the exact opposite of how I handled a situation in my life. I know it would have been much better to actually handle that situation by those three words, but I couldn’t.
I think another big part of this, and this is the toughest for me to share, is that I have a pretty low sense of self-esteem. I’ve had a lot of people that I really thought would be there for me, and to be clear – who should have been there for me – leave without any sort of explanation. Those disappointments have left me feeling a lot of shame I haven’t wanted to admit or acknowledge. I don’t feel like I’m enough, or that I don’t do enough, to keep people around. I feel as though I’m constantly being replaced. It’s something I think about every minute and, though the logical side of me knows that I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s been a really hard thing for me to actually accept. So, I think in a sense me copying/imitating others is a result of that. If I could just pretend for a moment to be someone else that had the things which I perceived to have lost, then maybe the hurt I’ve been feeling could go away. And in a sense, it has made me forget. It’s served its purpose as a distraction.
Back to the reason I haven’t written in a while, well, it’s complicated. As I’ve been writing lately, I’ve felt like a fraud. This wasn’t my own original idea. This was someone else’s. I know that I’m grateful to have certain people and things in my life, but the big question I’ve been thinking about lately: am I doing it just to seem like this happy, joyful almost 24-year-old? The tough answer is yes, I think so.
I’m really confused right now. I hate being confused by this in particular because I really admire the principle of this blog. It left a really big impression on me when I was introduced to it, but it just doesn’t seem to be serving me in the way I wish it would or could.
I haven’t read any of her books yet (though it’s certainly on my bucket list), but someone once mentioned to me that Brene Brown talks a lot about how important expressing gratitude is and that, if that’s the case, this blog might be a good way for me to cope with everything. But even though Brene (who I really admire and just watched her Netflix show) says what she says, the circumstances around this blog just don’t make me feel that great. It’s hard to explain and a confusing conundrum. It’s as if for every second I derive some sort of pleasure from the gratitude I’m expressing, it’s accompanied by an hour’s worth of sadness. You guys don’t see that part. I hide it pretty well. I could literally count on one hand the amount of people that have been subject to my absolute worst. And, to be ultra-honest, I feel cheated. I feel like the exception, that I’m not needed like I thought I was, that I don’t have the full truth. Or that me expressing my own truth isn’t acceptable, and that my writing is too dramatic. Most of all, it’s as if my loneliness isn’t a valid thing for me to feel when there are so many others feeling the same way and who are dealing with a whole lot more than I am. It’s a horrendous thing to write, and I’ll admit a really hard thought I’ve been wrestling with, but right now that’s how I feel.
I don’t really know how to end this post. I want to keep on writing, but I know that this blog hasn’t necessarily been making me happy or as fulfilled as I thought. I’m grateful for all of you, I really, truly am, but I think for right now I need to leave this project to rest.