I watched the series finale of Game of Thrones last night. I’m pretty sure the finale evoked a lot of emotions from fans of the show. Some people thought it was a fitting end and were happy. Many others (and probably the majority) thought it was a horrible ending. I’m on the fence about it, but erring on the glass-half-full side, I was pretty content.
There was a moment during the finale, though, that really stuck with me. (Disclaimer: there are definitely major spoilers, so don’t read if you don’t want to know). It was toward the end of the episode when Jon is leaving to head back to the North and he says goodbye to his two sisters, Sansa and Arya, and Bran. His moment with each of the three is special, but what he says to Bran is that moment that has been stuck with me. To Bran, Jon says “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” Bran, exercising the patience and mercy the new leader of Westeros needs at that point, says “you were exactly where you were supposed to be.”
If you’ve paid at least a little bit of attention, then you probably know I’ve had a lot of difficulty with abandonment. I’ve been struggling with a particular abandonment for a little over a year. Before everything with this situation had ever happened, I didn’t deal with it. I didn’t acknowledge it. I never confronted anyone or got outwardly angry. I just swept it under the symbolic rug and called it a day. When someone would ask at all about it when I was younger, I wouldn’t want to talk about it.
But I was hurt. I just felt like it was stupid for me to feel like that- I got perfect grades, was deemed mature for my age by literally everyone who knew me, was able to do six sports/activities all at the same time, worked and went to school full-time, and just generally seemed like the type of person that had it all together. Me feeling that hurt didn’t feel valid. So instead of talking about it, I’d isolate myself to feeling what I needed to feel at night, right before I went to sleep. I still do it and it’s not pretty- I have a pillow full of mascara to prove it.
Yes, being the Disney lover that I am, I hoped and prayed for some sort of sign every single night. And I got it for two months. This, I am sure, sounds like the corniest thing I could say, but it honestly did feel like God heard me and gave me what I had been asking for. Having that knowledge alone made me feel great. It felt like I had gotten a wish of mine that was deserved and fair. Of course, life happens, and that wish went away. I cracked. The thing I struggle with a lot is that while I was doing what I was doing, I knew it was wrong. I guess I just felt entitled to an answer of some sort. And even when I got that answer, I felt even more entitled to not being abandoned again. It was a horrible situation that I provoked, and it’s been a really hard year full of continued confusion, disappointment, and frustration on both ends.
But I think what I’m really trying to say is that, even if it seems like the last place on earth you’d want to be- whether that be a literal geographic location, a life experience, or a mental state – there is a purpose. It’s not necessarily fair. Most of the time, it’s really hard. And it’s hard coming to terms with that unfairness. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve yet experienced the fruits, if there are any, of what I myself have done and been through. There probably isn’t a whole lot positive to come from this all, in all honesty. But grounding myself in the knowledge that there was a reason for all of this, even if that reason is unapparent right now, does me a lot more good. And I think it is the truth. Because that person was where they needed to be. One-hundred percent. They were being a builder for people that they were absolutely obligated to be there for. As for me, I needed that experience to finally go to therapy. Actually, if it hadn’t been for it, I wouldn’t even have thought about auditioning for a community theatre production in the next couple of months. I wouldn’t have written any of these posts or discovered my love to write.
It’s easy to get sucked into the vortex of feeling like you’re not needed. It’s easy because it’s a valid feeling. Let me say, though, even if I don’t know you or anything about your own life story, you are needed. You are. And you’re where you’re supposed to be.